Using Sex to Manipulate
Having sex just to please or keep another person is not only damaging to
one's self-esteem, it is manipulative and misleading. For instance, Sue's
boyfriend lives in another city. She explains, "When he comes to visit, we
make love but I don't always feel comfortable about it. But I don't want to do
anything to make him think I'm seeing someone else. What should I do?" Sue
should be honest, and speak out. If he is uncomfortable with her discomfort and
decides to leave, perhaps the relationship was not on solid ground to begin
with. Unless Sue expresses what she wants and needs, she'll never truly feel
loved. Furthermore, by deceiving her boyfriend, she is not giving him a chance
to really know her or please her if there ever was a chance for that.
Tara doesn't like certain positions in sex but explains, "I do it
because I know my boyfriend likes it and if I don't I'm afraid that he will find
another woman who will." Let him. How do you think you "have him"
anyway if you're sacrificing your self-esteem and self-respect just to keep him?
Ultimately, the relationship is not going to work out because Tara's boyfriend
will probably sense that she is desperate and willing to sacrifice her own
self-esteem for his affection. As a result, he may start treating her poorly.
Good relationships are built on honesty and trust, not dishonesty and