Saying No to Sex
It's essential in this new millennium to put an end to the fear of saying
"no" to sex.
It boils my blood when people feel pressured to have sex. This isn't just a
problem for women. Men often feel pressure, too. It takes a lot of security to
say no. But I urge you, if that's how you feel, to say no! Don't worry about
sounding foolish, being embarrassed, or ruining any spontaneity. It's better to
be sure about such an important decision, so there are no misunderstandings or
Valerie was so nervous about when to have sex, it even kept her from dating:
"I get so nervous when guys ask me out. I keep thinking that somehow, sex
will come up. It makes me so nervous that I never go out with anyone."
Realize that YOU have control over what happens. Valerie's nervousness is
extreme and implies some sort of early trauma or bad experience. In any case,
recognize that you can readily set the limits. At the beginning of a date, if
you feel any pressure, spell out your intentions. Be direct. You can say
something like, " I find you attractive, and I want to go out with you, but
I don't want to imply that I will jump into bed. That's a really important step
for me that takes time."
Don't put yourself in compromising situations. If you have any doubts about a
person, don't accept a date. but if you are out with someone who is more forward
than your are comfortable with, make your feelings clear. You might even bring
up the subject of sex in a very general way. For instance, mention that you
heard something about casual sex on the radio or in the newspaper. State your
opinions; put the issue right out on the table. For example, you might say,
"I believe people should wait to have sex. They should care about each
other. I'm simply not into casual sex." if your date becomes angry or loses
interest, let him go. A person who doesn't respect your feelings on such an
intimate issue is not someone to trust with your heart, body, or soul.