The Sex/Love split
"How come I can have great sex with a woman but, as soon s I start to
develop feelings for her, I don't get turned on anymore?"
From men: "I like these two women: One is gentle and sweet and the other
is a real tiger in bed. I'm torn. how do i decide between them?"
From women: " I'm dating these two men: One would be the perfect husband
and father -- the kind of guy that my parents would love -- and the other is a
real exciting 'bad boy.' I wish I could mesh them into one guy, but I can't.
What can I do?"
Separating sex and love can lead to an intriguing but disturbing dilemma referred
to as the "Madonna-whore syndrome" in men or the "Daddy-Don Juan
syndrome" in women. Here, the "sufferers" split lovers into
either sweet, nice people or wild, sexy ones. Sex becomes desirable only with
the latter, not the former.
Bill was enamored of Jill, a sweet, gentle woman, who had all the qualities
he wanted in a long-term mate. And she adored him and wanted to marry and start
a family. The problem was, he found her boring in bed. Bill was also seeing Liza,
a woman who had few of the qualities he valued for a wife and mother of his
children, but who really turned him on sexually. Liza was fond of Bill but
wasn't interested in settling down. But every time Bill decided to totally
devote himself to Jim, he ended up calling Liza for a "roll in the
Men like Bill are compelled to seek a challenge, and often devalue the very
people who most value them. They think they are looking for the
"perfect" person who combines all of the values they supposedly want
with the sexual attraction they crave, but in reality, they can't let one person
be everything to them.
If you recognize yourself in Bill's scenario, it's time to retrain you brain.
Rather than separating sex and love, insist on having one with the other. Take a
look at your relationships: Do you stereotype men as either fathers or lovers
and women as either mothers or lovers? If so, look at your partners clearly. Are
they really so easily pigeon-holed? Allow your mate the opportunity to express
both roles. Communicate all your fantasies, desires, wants, and needs (sexual
and otherwise) and give your mate a chance to fulfill the many sides of you.
Admit that both sex and love are equally important and possible with one
person. Discover that your lover is trusting, honest, steadfast, and a wild
lover. These traits are not mutually exclusive!