Many people worry about whether their sexual fantasies are okay. Of
particular concern is fantasizing about someone else when you are making love to
your partner. For example, Mile told me, "I fantasize abut my friend's
girlfriend when I'm with my own girlfriend."
Whether or not this is a problem depends on the reason for the fantasy.
Sometimes, our fantasies have to do with things we want sexually that our
partner isn't willing or able to give us. other times, fantasies allow us to
experience feelings that we don't feel free to express to our mates. For
example, Mike was a virgin when he hooked up with his more experienced
girlfriend. Thinking about someone else during sex with her was his way of making
up for his inexperience and for expressing his upset and jealousy about her
If you are able to discover the purpose of your fantasy, you can decide if it
is healthy or damaging to your relationship. In Mike's case, he needed to get
over his anger toward his girlfriend and his insecurity about his relative
inexperience. When he realized what was going on inside him, the fantasies
stopped. In other cases, the fantasy can be helpful , to show you what you would
like to do or feel with our present partner. once you realize this, consider
expressing, revealing, and sharing your fantasy with your partner.