Who Makes the First Move?
More men today are relieved when a woman takes the initiative in sex because
it takes the pressure off them to always advance or perform. But men can
also be little intimidated by sexually aggressive female. Tony was divorced four
years ago and now is back in the dating game. " Are women really this fast
now?" he asked. "I like candlelit dinners, and they seem to want to
get right to it!" At the end of Tony's date, the girl said outright she's
like to have sex. "I was so bowled over by such a bold female," he
admitted, "that I was really worried about whether I could get it up for
While it may make you feel uncomfortable to know sex is expected of you on a
date, not being approached can leave you feeling undesirable, frustrated, or
confused. Cybil dated Howard six times but complained, "He was a perfect
gentleman, but I was jumping out of my skin, wanting him to do something. I was wondering
if he was gay, strange, or impotent and what was wrong with me." Courtney
also complained, "I've been seeing this guy for three months and he's only
kissed me. I can't help feeling he doesn't want me. I also don't want to be the
one who does everything first. What's up?" Find out from him whether he is
shy, inexperienced, or afraid of getting hurt. Explain that you feel
uncomfortable being the initiator (but don't fall into sex-role stereotypes of
expecting the man to make all the first moves).
If someone doesn't make a move, don't immediately assume you're not
attractive enough. Find out what else is going on with that person (another
relationship, inexperience, fear of rejection, embarrassment about themselves,
their body, sex). Take a risk and state your own interest.
Cybil did the right thing. On her next date with Howard, she was open with
him and said, "I've really enjoyed being with you, and I wonder why we
haven't kissed because we've had a great time, and I wanted to kiss you."
Thankfully, Howard was willing to be equally honest. He explained that he was
afraid of making moves too quickly and that Cybil might consider him too
forward. Howard's openness about his fear, and Cybil's reassurance, were just
the right triggers to give them permission for their first kiss.