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 When Your Ex Refuses to Get the Message

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When Your Ex Refuses to Get the Message

You think you've done all the right things. You've leveled with your ex, telling her that your heart isn't in this relationship, and that it's over. But what if she refuses to get the message? Is it possible that you're sending the wrong signal?

Some people become obsessed when rejected. For instance, John's girlfriend continued to call, sometimes five times a day, for months after they broke up. When he didn't return her calls, she would show up at his house. John asked, "How do I get her off my back? I feel like joining the witness protection program."

It is very disturbing, and often frightening, to be pursued obsessively. Clearly, the woman's attachment to John went far deeper than their actual relationship, probably mirroring something in her family. Such an obsessive lover needs to be told she is a good person and cared for, but that your closeness is over, and that pursuing you is not acceptable. Insist that she get counseling. If such behavior persists, go to the police for an order of protection.

Be firm. Don't give in and get back together because of feelings of guilt. Any inconsistency in your behavior will be interpreted as a sign that you don't really want out.

On the other hand, what if the lover who recently left you calls and says she wants to see you? Be cautious. If she was so sure that the relationship was over, what has happened to change her mind? Is it loneliness, boredom, or a true change of heart? Proceed slowly to find out what she wants. When it comes to sex, be especially slow and cautious. Sometimes sex with an ex is good because you're free of commitment or problems, but a roll in the hay won't get you the love you want. Watch out for "yo-yo" lovers -- the kind who vacillate between wanting you and wanting freedom. "Why is sex always better after breaking up?" Sometimes it's easier for couples to have great sex when their commitment and relationship problems (arguments, miscommunications, angers) are put aside, and when they have dropped any expectations. Also the tension of a breakup can seem to intensify passion. It's like the popular song goes: "The best part of breaking up is making up." But beware of starting arguments just to fuel your love.


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