Using Sex to Manipulate

Having sex just to please or keep another person is not only damaging to one's self-esteem, it is manipulative and misleading. For instance, Sue's boyfriend lives in another city. She explains, "When he comes to visit, we make love but I don't always feel comfortable about it. But I don't want to do anything to make him think I'm seeing someone else. What should I do?" Sue should be honest, and speak out. If he is uncomfortable with her discomfort and decides to leave, perhaps the relationship was not on solid ground to begin with. Unless Sue expresses what she wants and needs, she'll never truly feel loved. Furthermore, by deceiving her boyfriend, she is not giving him a chance to really know her or please her if there ever was a chance for that.

Tara doesn't like certain positions in sex but explains, "I do it because I know my boyfriend likes it and if I don't I'm afraid that he will find another woman who will." Let him. How do you think you "have him" anyway if you're sacrificing your self-esteem and self-respect just to keep him? Ultimately, the relationship is not going to work out because Tara's boyfriend will probably sense that she is desperate and willing to sacrifice her own self-esteem for his affection. As a result, he may start treating her poorly. Good relationships are built on honesty and trust, not dishonesty and manipulation.